Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
