There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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