what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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