Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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