i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
