I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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