Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
