Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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