That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My liver just had a heart attack.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
