i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
