So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
