Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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