running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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