bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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