i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
