hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
