I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
