She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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