Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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