i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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