Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
