I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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