pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
