How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
