Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm like, not good at living.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
