You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
