I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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