I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
