you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
