If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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