my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
