Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
