Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
