Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
