And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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