The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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