woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
