Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
