dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
