matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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