1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
