My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
