When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
