i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
