i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Sober January is a disaster.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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