I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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