I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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