shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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