Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
babies were throwing up all over the place
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
