I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
