if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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