ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
